I Will Never Figure Out My Anxiety

There is no magic bullet, we are stuck for life.

Photo by Adeboro Odunlami on Unsplash

I’m not sure when anxiety and I met, but we have gotten well acquainted over the last ten years.

It became clear to me during a tumultuous four-year relationship that my anxiety was indeed anxiety and not me “being crazy” or “insecure” or “being dramatic.”

My heart was racing. My hands were trembling, and the fear in my chest warranted or not was waking me at random hours in the night.

Over the last two years, I’ve been traveling alot, and though I didn’t expect my anxiety to disappear, I did expect that I would ‘figure her out’ by now.

I thought that I could just pay attention to the places, people, and things that trigger her and stop going to said place, end relationships, and quit doing the thing.

And once I did all these things, I would figure out what I was doing wrong.

Simple, right? Not quite. The problem is I can and have done all these things and more, like mantras on post-its, daily journaling, reading, Netflixing, face masks, and still, when she’s ready to play, she’s ready to play whether or not I’m interested.

It seems my favorite Marie Forleo quote, “Everything is Figureoutable” doesn’t include my anxiety.

Last summer, I came to the hard realization that I will never “figure out” my anxiety. It isn’t something to figure out because it is part of me.

So much so, that I’ve dubbed it ‘her’ or ‘my troll’. She comes out to play, sometimes when the situation calls for like worrying about a pitch I’ve sent but other times without reason.

I’ve accepted that yes, there are precautions, not cures, that I can take to take care of myself while experiencing paralyzing fear like deep breathing or lying on my back as soon as I can.

Repeating mantras like “ride the wave” and “I am safe. I am secure. I am protected” help tremendously because although repeating the mantras won’t bring my anxiety to a complete halt, it does give me power.

With my power, I make light of my anxiety by reframing it in a way that helps “us” co-exist.

I’m aware that she comes out to play to protect me, maybe from physical or emotional danger, and other times, I may be feeling super nervous or excited about something.

In the past, instead of using those words, I would say I was anxious.

A side effect of learning to co-exist with my anxiety is I’ve become a better communicator of my emotions and needs.

Acceptance is a practice. And I’m learning to accept that my anxiety isn’t the Rubix cube I thought it once was.

Renée Cherez is a moon-loving, mermaid believing empath seeking truth, justice, and freedom. Feel free to read more of her writing on Medium here. Follow her on Instagram to indulge in her *sometimes* overly long captions on travel, self-discovery, and social justice.