Where Are the Self-Help and Relationship Books for Men?
Capitalism does not reward emotional intelligence in men.
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My longest relationship to date was four years and ended in 2016. In hindsight, we should have parted ways many times through the years, but we convinced ourselves that dysfunction and toxicity was love.
Throughout our time together, I always found myself reading relationship advice columns, blogs, and books to better our relationship.
After an argument or fight, I would go down the rabbit hole of how I could be and do better. I sent him an infinite amount of articles while we were both at work for him to read and learn alongside me.
We even had one couples therapy session, which was my idea and is comical because I was a whole twenty-three years old.
The thing is, he never really thought he had a problem; it was always me.
I was consistently made to feel like I needed to fix, change, or be better in some way.
Over the last three years, I’ve done the hard work of healing my insecurities while also fostering my emotional intelligence and committing to intense introspective work.
I want to be the best woman I can possibly be for myself and everyone that comes in contact with me, whether its for business, on a plane, or in the grocery store.
I strive to “do my work” so that when I’m ready to be in a relationship, I can have a healthy relationship with a man who has done and continues to do his own work.
But recently, I had something of an ‘aha moment’ accompanied with some frustration.
The reason I was always the one to send content about building emotional maturity, self-reflection work, and how to be better in relationships is because most of the material around relationships and self-help books were geared towards women.
In our patriarchal, capitalistic society, I was being told that I was the problem and needed to fix something to have a fulfilling relationship.
There’s money to be made in telling women over and over “it’s okay; keep working on yourself, he will come.”
But there is no profit in telling men, that their priority should be their self-awareness and emotional intelligence, not their ambitions, career, and bank accounts.
Where are the relationship and self-help books by men, and for men?
Where are the men who have done the deep work of uncovering their toxic masculinity and emotional immaturity?
Are women supposed to invest in ourselves, heal our wounds, and blossom into the visions we see for ourselves only to settle for emotionally unintelligent men?
Are we to settle for men who only begin to do their work because of us and not for themselves?
Curiosity got the best of me, and I hopped on Amazon and searched: “Relationship books for men” only to find books geared towards couples, books written by women, or books that are ridiculously outdated.
Unsurprisingly, Gary Chapmans, The 5 Love Languages, was present and can act as a useful resource for learning how a person receives and gives love, whether friendships or romantic, but still, it is not about men becoming better men.
Patriarchy and capitalism teach men to prioritize their ambition, careers, and money, and without these, they have no value.
Sure, ambition matters, but what about thinking critically about your emotions? If you have sons and nephews, what will you teach them about expressing their feelings?
I want to live in a world where I’m not impressed by an emotionally aware man because it’s the norm.
I want to live in a society where little girls who become women know they are whole human beings, regardless of trauma or bad choices.
We are not figurines that need to be fixed in any way, shape, or form.
Women are whole, and we don’t need fixing.
